The Dancing Avocado

Okay I first need to start with a confession that is quite personal.  Life has handed me a very difficult season.  One that has brought up a great deal of pain from the past and even pain in the present and challenged my ability to find joy like normal.  Tears have been flowing way to freely and sadness was becoming my new normal.  I cannot share all the details, as ironically the stories aren’t mine to tell, but they have had a direct and negative impact on my life in more ways than one.  To get back to myself, to find my joy again and to show up for my family, I am currently in therapy.  There I said it.  I am in therapy.  Band add is off.  Now to the rest of the story.

I knew given the week I just had this therapy session would be hard.  Hard was an understatement.  It was brutal, and I was wrecked with emotions.  One of the coping tools my therapist provided was something called the circle of control.  Essentially what is on the inside circle are the things I have complete control over and what is on the outside of the circle, I have none.  When I looked at the drawing of the circle, I made a joke that it looked like a perfectly shaped avocado.  My therapist laughed and agreed.  She encouraged me to look and stay focused on my avocado to get me through the tough days ahead as I continued to process this session.  My therapist is a Christian and reminded me, besides the avocado, that God is always there.  He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5-6).  I finished the session, splashed water on face and threw myself together to be present to pick up my son, Lewis, from preschool.

Lewis and I got home and went about our normal family routine even though I was struggling.  Thankfully being busy with Lewis was a great distraction to keep the tears from flowing.  As the night drew closer, the sadness and anxiety were working overtime to creep back in.  Lewis and I started our normal bedtime routine – Dada does the bath, I read three books with him and then we take funny selfies together on Snapchat before saying our prayers.  The Snapchat selfies is a random thing Lewis loved after doing it with my niece.  And it just kind of snuck into our bedtime routine.  This night I was attempting to hurry through the fun of Snapchat because I was struggling to keep my emotions intact.  Imagine my surprise when Lewis and I scrolled to the next character and it was an avocado.  And not just an avocado but an avocado dancing to the happiest music.  Lewis and I have been playing on Snapchat for almost a year now and never once had the dancing avocado appeared.  My eyes filled up with happy tears and I laughed out loud at God’s sense of humor.  What is more even more amazing about the dancing avocado is that it only showed up for two nights.  It normally takes me about 48 hours after a session to fully process and feel normal again.

Y’all here God was, during Snapchat, showing up big for me.  He sent me a dancing avocado.  He sent me a dancing avocado for the exact amount of nights I needed.  The dancing avocado reminded me that He is always in control.  And even on the hardest days or the most difficult of seasons, He will never leave me or forsake me. 

A Letter to My Best Fur Friend

Dearest Teddy –

I miss you every.single.day.  Some days I think I’m doing well and then some days the grief catches me off guard and takes me down.  Today was one of those days. 

We took down the doggie door today.  Looking at it every day was hard.  I missed seeing you run out when Lewis and I would open the big door and you would wait for us to chase you.  I missed seeing you stick just your face inside and when you saw me, you would wait for the big door to open instead of going through the doggie door.  I missed hearing Lewis say “Teddy quit barking and get in this house right now” just like I would say while he stuck his little head out your door.  I missed hearing the flap close knowing you were on your way out or in. 

And now the door is gone, and it is the hard reminder that you are too.  I sit on the rug by the door and I sob.  I let myself sit in that pain for a minute but just for a minute.  I have a job to work, calls to make and my family to soon be present for so I know I cannot stay in this sadness.  As memories of you flood my mind, I turn my focus to gratitude.  You taught me so much.  I chuckle that some folks may think I’m a little crazy saying I learned anything from a dog.  But it is true.  You, my friend, were a great teacher – just a super hairy one. 

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me to appreciate the little things in life.  The little things you loved like a squirrel crossing the road, a golf cart ride, a treat at the end of the day or the windows down in the car.  Those were enough to make your entire day the best.  I often get caught up in planning the next big event or celebration or trip when really, I should soak up the joys of the little things.  I will do better and take in the little things like my child’s giggle, the beautiful mountain views near our home, a hug from my husband, or unexpected lunch date with a friend.  Our lives are a accumulation of all the little things really anyway.

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me the importance of affection.  I remember how you weren’t a very affectionate dog in the beginning.  You were playful but not the kind of dog to cuddle with at all.  I understood that your past of abuse kept you from giving into that need.  But the need was always there.  Over time, as you were shown affection by me as well as family and friends, you became more open to it and wanted it more and more.  The power of touch for you was healing.  As I believe it is for so many.  A hug.  Holding a hand.  Sharing a kiss on the cheek.  Patting someone’s back.  All acts of affection that can soften a soul.  I am and will do this more for those in my circle Teddy. 

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me to love BIG.  I would walk in the door from being gone five minutes or five hours and you were there ready to shower me with love.  All you had to hear was your name called and you would come running, smile on your face with a wagging tail eager to give.  And even though you weren’t shown love initially in life, you never withheld it from me.  You chose love regardless.  How often have I held back my love when someone disappointed me, hurt me or didn’t show me the love I felt I deserved?  You and God have it right.  Choose love always and love BIG. 

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me that time is fleeting.  Seems odd to write that I am thankful for that, but I needed the wakeup call.  One minute you are playing at daycare, we are going on walks and running with Lewis and one week later you were given a terminal diagnosis.  Then just three weeks later you were in my arms as we said our final goodbyes.  I am thankful that we had that last month and at least I was prepared the end was near.  But that is often not the case in this life.  Now I tell my family every day I love them.  Your dad and I kiss every morning before we leave regardless of our mood.  I hug Lewis and tell him I love him at daycare drop off even on days when we are rushed.  I hug my parents every time I leave their house and end every goodbye with I love you.  My friends probably think I’ve turned into more of a sap than I ever was as I tell them I am thankful for them, proud of them and I love them.  Because we often aren’t given a warning when our time is up, I’m making sure my tribe knows how loved they are. 

In Genesis 1:24-28 it reads, “And God said, let the Earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds … and God saw it was good.”  You were good Teddy … a good dog, a good companion and a good teacher.  You are never far from my thoughts and forever in my heart.  Until we met again my good and faithful friend.  Until we meet again.

A Legacy Beyond Letters

My heart skipped a beat when my niece, Mary Stewart, confirmed she would be attending Troy University.  Troy University was my Alma Mater and I knew it would be a great fit for her.  The college provided a smaller more intimate atmosphere for learning, had a beautiful campus and was close to her home.  I also knew that she would want to go through Sorority Rush.  Having pledged Kappa Delta while at Troy, Mary Stewart would be my legacy for Kappa Delta (KD).

A sorority legacy is defined as a woman whose specified relative has been a member of the sorority in which the young lady desires membership. Typically, a sorority only counts a mother or grandmother as a true legacy.  And her mother was a Phi Mu at Samford in her college years which meant Mary Stewart had true legacy status with Phi Mu sorority.  Did I mention I was a KD?!  As the aunt, I knew I didn’t “technically” meet the criteria but it did in my heart.  Because I knew I would never have a little girl, this would still count as my legacy as I would be sharing and passing on my love of Kappa Delta sorority. 

Now even though I really, really, really wanted this legacy for myself, I thought about how hard this must be for Mary Stewart.  Both Phi Mu and KD sororities existed at Troy University.  She had to feel a tug to please her mom and me.  When she came to visit and even in text, I made sure to tell her that this is four years not mine, to follow her heart and ultimately, I want her to be happy regardless of what sorority letters she chose to wear.  I truly meant all those things I shared with her AND I still had hope Mary Stewart would be a KD. 

College move in day and sorority came quickly, it seemed, from when Mary Stewart decided she would go to Troy University.  I was filled with butterflies and excitement for her all week long.  It brought back this feeling of nostalgia for all the wonderful memories and friendships I had made.  Even though I knew I wanted her to be that KD legacy, I tried to prepare myself that she may feel at home somewhere else. 

My husband, son and I got to Troy late on Thursday night and stayed with one of my best friends (also a KD), Joanna.  Friday was the final day of Rush parties which meant I could finally see Mary Stewart that evening.  I could hardly wait to see her dorm, hug her and find out how the last day of Rush went.  We got to the dorm room to pick Mary Stewart up and I knew almost instantly that KD was not her first choice.  It was just a feeling I couldn’t shake, and I asked her point blank.  She was so sweet and immediately went to apologize.  She shared Phi Mu just felt like home to her.  In that moment, even though I was sad, I knew Mary Stewart made the decision that felt right for her and not one of obligation to either her mom or me.  I tried to reassure her it was okay, and I loved her.  I reminded her again that this was her time to shine in college, not mine.  Her happiness was ultimately what counted.

After dinner and a golf cart ride, I dropped Mary Stewart off at her dorm and told her I would see her on Bid Day.  I got back to my friend’s house and fixed her Phi Mu gift bag.  Luckily, I was smart enough to know to buy both a KD and Phi Mu gift just in case it went either way.  I crawled into bed with Lewis and began to pray about how I would handle the next day – Bid Day.  Bid Day is where the girls receive their invitations to join a certain sorority.  Because Mary Stewart was a true Phi Mu legacy, I had no doubt she would receive an invitation from Phi Mu and run up the hill to their sorority house.  Typically, family members wait at the sorority houses and are there to see the girls run to their sorority houses with their new sisters.

I got up and got ready to go to Bid Day.  I put on the green dress I had always planned to wear (Kappa Delta’s colors are green and white).  I got Lewis dressed in his Troy gear and we headed to the KD house before the Bid Day festivities began.  Several KD sisters, who all knew my niece was pledging, asked if I was going to go over to the Phi Mu house.  I knew I needed to, but I honestly was wavering as to what to do.  A part of me wanted to go to celebrate with my niece yet a part of me wanted to feel sorry for myself.  The thought of going, in my green dress, to a sea of girls in pink (Phi Mu colors) left me feeling less than confident.  I didn’t know the girls there.  I also wasn’t sure if I could keep all these emotions in check since they were all over the place – happiness for Mary Stewart and sadness for me.

As the excitement continued to build outside and the clock got closer and closer to time, I saw Lewis out of the corner of my eye flirting with one of my KD sisters.  Watching the smile on the face of my child, it hit me that I was setting the example for him and for my niece.  Even when we don’t get what our heart desires, we still must be happy and celebrate others.  I grabbed Lewis’ hand, Mary Stewart’s present, said my goodbyes and headed to the Phi Mu house.  We got there just in time to see Mary Stewart run to her new Phi Mu sisters with the excitement of a kid at Christmas.  I watched her mom, who wanted to be surprised as to what she pledged, sob happy tears when she realized Mary Stewart followed her legacy.  The emotions of all it was quite overwhelming.  Lewis and I congratulated them both, gave hugs, and even took photos with my green and Mary Stewart’s pink.  One of Mary Stewart’s new Phi Mu sisters came up to guide her and her mom to the house.  I knew it was my cue to leave and let them enjoy this moment together.

Lewis held my hand the entire way back to the KD house and I let my tears flow.  Even though it was the right thing to do, it was still so difficult.  The right thing often isn’t the easiest, right?! The happy emotions of watching Mary Stewart and her mom share that legacy bond and the sadness for me that I would not ever have that legacy, was a lot to process.  But it was a much-needed reminder that the legacy I want to leave is about way more than my sorority letters.  The legacy I want to leave is about rising above disappointment, showing love even when things don’t go my way and celebrating others’ happiness.   Mary Stewart may not be wearing my sorority letters, but my hope is she will be proud of the legacy I am creating for her and for my son to follow.  A legacy not bound by letters or colors and solely built on always choosing to the do the right thing!