The Dancing Avocado

Okay I first need to start with a confession that is quite personal.  Life has handed me a very difficult season.  One that has brought up a great deal of pain from the past and even pain in the present and challenged my ability to find joy like normal.  Tears have been flowing way to freely and sadness was becoming my new normal.  I cannot share all the details, as ironically the stories aren’t mine to tell, but they have had a direct and negative impact on my life in more ways than one.  To get back to myself, to find my joy again and to show up for my family, I am currently in therapy.  There I said it.  I am in therapy.  Band add is off.  Now to the rest of the story.

I knew given the week I just had this therapy session would be hard.  Hard was an understatement.  It was brutal, and I was wrecked with emotions.  One of the coping tools my therapist provided was something called the circle of control.  Essentially what is on the inside circle are the things I have complete control over and what is on the outside of the circle, I have none.  When I looked at the drawing of the circle, I made a joke that it looked like a perfectly shaped avocado.  My therapist laughed and agreed.  She encouraged me to look and stay focused on my avocado to get me through the tough days ahead as I continued to process this session.  My therapist is a Christian and reminded me, besides the avocado, that God is always there.  He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5-6).  I finished the session, splashed water on face and threw myself together to be present to pick up my son, Lewis, from preschool.

Lewis and I got home and went about our normal family routine even though I was struggling.  Thankfully being busy with Lewis was a great distraction to keep the tears from flowing.  As the night drew closer, the sadness and anxiety were working overtime to creep back in.  Lewis and I started our normal bedtime routine – Dada does the bath, I read three books with him and then we take funny selfies together on Snapchat before saying our prayers.  The Snapchat selfies is a random thing Lewis loved after doing it with my niece.  And it just kind of snuck into our bedtime routine.  This night I was attempting to hurry through the fun of Snapchat because I was struggling to keep my emotions intact.  Imagine my surprise when Lewis and I scrolled to the next character and it was an avocado.  And not just an avocado but an avocado dancing to the happiest music.  Lewis and I have been playing on Snapchat for almost a year now and never once had the dancing avocado appeared.  My eyes filled up with happy tears and I laughed out loud at God’s sense of humor.  What is more even more amazing about the dancing avocado is that it only showed up for two nights.  It normally takes me about 48 hours after a session to fully process and feel normal again.

Y’all here God was, during Snapchat, showing up big for me.  He sent me a dancing avocado.  He sent me a dancing avocado for the exact amount of nights I needed.  The dancing avocado reminded me that He is always in control.  And even on the hardest days or the most difficult of seasons, He will never leave me or forsake me. 

A Letter to My Best Fur Friend

Dearest Teddy –

I miss you every.single.day.  Some days I think I’m doing well and then some days the grief catches me off guard and takes me down.  Today was one of those days. 

We took down the doggie door today.  Looking at it every day was hard.  I missed seeing you run out when Lewis and I would open the big door and you would wait for us to chase you.  I missed seeing you stick just your face inside and when you saw me, you would wait for the big door to open instead of going through the doggie door.  I missed hearing Lewis say “Teddy quit barking and get in this house right now” just like I would say while he stuck his little head out your door.  I missed hearing the flap close knowing you were on your way out or in. 

And now the door is gone, and it is the hard reminder that you are too.  I sit on the rug by the door and I sob.  I let myself sit in that pain for a minute but just for a minute.  I have a job to work, calls to make and my family to soon be present for so I know I cannot stay in this sadness.  As memories of you flood my mind, I turn my focus to gratitude.  You taught me so much.  I chuckle that some folks may think I’m a little crazy saying I learned anything from a dog.  But it is true.  You, my friend, were a great teacher – just a super hairy one. 

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me to appreciate the little things in life.  The little things you loved like a squirrel crossing the road, a golf cart ride, a treat at the end of the day or the windows down in the car.  Those were enough to make your entire day the best.  I often get caught up in planning the next big event or celebration or trip when really, I should soak up the joys of the little things.  I will do better and take in the little things like my child’s giggle, the beautiful mountain views near our home, a hug from my husband, or unexpected lunch date with a friend.  Our lives are a accumulation of all the little things really anyway.

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me the importance of affection.  I remember how you weren’t a very affectionate dog in the beginning.  You were playful but not the kind of dog to cuddle with at all.  I understood that your past of abuse kept you from giving into that need.  But the need was always there.  Over time, as you were shown affection by me as well as family and friends, you became more open to it and wanted it more and more.  The power of touch for you was healing.  As I believe it is for so many.  A hug.  Holding a hand.  Sharing a kiss on the cheek.  Patting someone’s back.  All acts of affection that can soften a soul.  I am and will do this more for those in my circle Teddy. 

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me to love BIG.  I would walk in the door from being gone five minutes or five hours and you were there ready to shower me with love.  All you had to hear was your name called and you would come running, smile on your face with a wagging tail eager to give.  And even though you weren’t shown love initially in life, you never withheld it from me.  You chose love regardless.  How often have I held back my love when someone disappointed me, hurt me or didn’t show me the love I felt I deserved?  You and God have it right.  Choose love always and love BIG. 

Thank you, Teddy, for reminding me that time is fleeting.  Seems odd to write that I am thankful for that, but I needed the wakeup call.  One minute you are playing at daycare, we are going on walks and running with Lewis and one week later you were given a terminal diagnosis.  Then just three weeks later you were in my arms as we said our final goodbyes.  I am thankful that we had that last month and at least I was prepared the end was near.  But that is often not the case in this life.  Now I tell my family every day I love them.  Your dad and I kiss every morning before we leave regardless of our mood.  I hug Lewis and tell him I love him at daycare drop off even on days when we are rushed.  I hug my parents every time I leave their house and end every goodbye with I love you.  My friends probably think I’ve turned into more of a sap than I ever was as I tell them I am thankful for them, proud of them and I love them.  Because we often aren’t given a warning when our time is up, I’m making sure my tribe knows how loved they are. 

In Genesis 1:24-28 it reads, “And God said, let the Earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds … and God saw it was good.”  You were good Teddy … a good dog, a good companion and a good teacher.  You are never far from my thoughts and forever in my heart.  Until we met again my good and faithful friend.  Until we meet again.

A Legacy Beyond Letters

My heart skipped a beat when my niece, Mary Stewart, confirmed she would be attending Troy University.  Troy University was my Alma Mater and I knew it would be a great fit for her.  The college provided a smaller more intimate atmosphere for learning, had a beautiful campus and was close to her home.  I also knew that she would want to go through Sorority Rush.  Having pledged Kappa Delta while at Troy, Mary Stewart would be my legacy for Kappa Delta (KD).

A sorority legacy is defined as a woman whose specified relative has been a member of the sorority in which the young lady desires membership. Typically, a sorority only counts a mother or grandmother as a true legacy.  And her mother was a Phi Mu at Samford in her college years which meant Mary Stewart had true legacy status with Phi Mu sorority.  Did I mention I was a KD?!  As the aunt, I knew I didn’t “technically” meet the criteria but it did in my heart.  Because I knew I would never have a little girl, this would still count as my legacy as I would be sharing and passing on my love of Kappa Delta sorority. 

Now even though I really, really, really wanted this legacy for myself, I thought about how hard this must be for Mary Stewart.  Both Phi Mu and KD sororities existed at Troy University.  She had to feel a tug to please her mom and me.  When she came to visit and even in text, I made sure to tell her that this is four years not mine, to follow her heart and ultimately, I want her to be happy regardless of what sorority letters she chose to wear.  I truly meant all those things I shared with her AND I still had hope Mary Stewart would be a KD. 

College move in day and sorority came quickly, it seemed, from when Mary Stewart decided she would go to Troy University.  I was filled with butterflies and excitement for her all week long.  It brought back this feeling of nostalgia for all the wonderful memories and friendships I had made.  Even though I knew I wanted her to be that KD legacy, I tried to prepare myself that she may feel at home somewhere else. 

My husband, son and I got to Troy late on Thursday night and stayed with one of my best friends (also a KD), Joanna.  Friday was the final day of Rush parties which meant I could finally see Mary Stewart that evening.  I could hardly wait to see her dorm, hug her and find out how the last day of Rush went.  We got to the dorm room to pick Mary Stewart up and I knew almost instantly that KD was not her first choice.  It was just a feeling I couldn’t shake, and I asked her point blank.  She was so sweet and immediately went to apologize.  She shared Phi Mu just felt like home to her.  In that moment, even though I was sad, I knew Mary Stewart made the decision that felt right for her and not one of obligation to either her mom or me.  I tried to reassure her it was okay, and I loved her.  I reminded her again that this was her time to shine in college, not mine.  Her happiness was ultimately what counted.

After dinner and a golf cart ride, I dropped Mary Stewart off at her dorm and told her I would see her on Bid Day.  I got back to my friend’s house and fixed her Phi Mu gift bag.  Luckily, I was smart enough to know to buy both a KD and Phi Mu gift just in case it went either way.  I crawled into bed with Lewis and began to pray about how I would handle the next day – Bid Day.  Bid Day is where the girls receive their invitations to join a certain sorority.  Because Mary Stewart was a true Phi Mu legacy, I had no doubt she would receive an invitation from Phi Mu and run up the hill to their sorority house.  Typically, family members wait at the sorority houses and are there to see the girls run to their sorority houses with their new sisters.

I got up and got ready to go to Bid Day.  I put on the green dress I had always planned to wear (Kappa Delta’s colors are green and white).  I got Lewis dressed in his Troy gear and we headed to the KD house before the Bid Day festivities began.  Several KD sisters, who all knew my niece was pledging, asked if I was going to go over to the Phi Mu house.  I knew I needed to, but I honestly was wavering as to what to do.  A part of me wanted to go to celebrate with my niece yet a part of me wanted to feel sorry for myself.  The thought of going, in my green dress, to a sea of girls in pink (Phi Mu colors) left me feeling less than confident.  I didn’t know the girls there.  I also wasn’t sure if I could keep all these emotions in check since they were all over the place – happiness for Mary Stewart and sadness for me.

As the excitement continued to build outside and the clock got closer and closer to time, I saw Lewis out of the corner of my eye flirting with one of my KD sisters.  Watching the smile on the face of my child, it hit me that I was setting the example for him and for my niece.  Even when we don’t get what our heart desires, we still must be happy and celebrate others.  I grabbed Lewis’ hand, Mary Stewart’s present, said my goodbyes and headed to the Phi Mu house.  We got there just in time to see Mary Stewart run to her new Phi Mu sisters with the excitement of a kid at Christmas.  I watched her mom, who wanted to be surprised as to what she pledged, sob happy tears when she realized Mary Stewart followed her legacy.  The emotions of all it was quite overwhelming.  Lewis and I congratulated them both, gave hugs, and even took photos with my green and Mary Stewart’s pink.  One of Mary Stewart’s new Phi Mu sisters came up to guide her and her mom to the house.  I knew it was my cue to leave and let them enjoy this moment together.

Lewis held my hand the entire way back to the KD house and I let my tears flow.  Even though it was the right thing to do, it was still so difficult.  The right thing often isn’t the easiest, right?! The happy emotions of watching Mary Stewart and her mom share that legacy bond and the sadness for me that I would not ever have that legacy, was a lot to process.  But it was a much-needed reminder that the legacy I want to leave is about way more than my sorority letters.  The legacy I want to leave is about rising above disappointment, showing love even when things don’t go my way and celebrating others’ happiness.   Mary Stewart may not be wearing my sorority letters, but my hope is she will be proud of the legacy I am creating for her and for my son to follow.  A legacy not bound by letters or colors and solely built on always choosing to the do the right thing!

A Heart Full of Pregnancy Gratitude

Today is the day.  I will no longer be pregnant and finally get to meet our little man, Lewis Max.  As I’m feeling Lewis’ kicks for the last time in my belly, my heart swells and I feel grateful for having this experience.  While the pregnancy itself wasn't without a few challenges (first trimester or carpel tunnel anyone), it was wonderful and I’m thankful I had the chance to house our baby for these nine months.  As I am set to give birth today, I want to make sure I capture all the wonderful memories I will always cherish about this pregnancy.

1.       The love I feel for my husband.  I already loved my husband, dearly.  But something about those lines on the pee stick made me love him even more.  I knew we were in this together and forever united by this miracle.  He endured three major hormonal meltdowns of mine, was patient, loving and a doting daddy.  From the first time he felt Lewis kick, or selected classical music for Lewis to listen to or reading him Dr. Seus books – I fell in love all over again.  And he did an amazing job of making me feel beautiful by telling me I was daily.  My most favorite memories are when he would leave to run an errand or for work, rub my belly and tell Lewis and me he loved us.  I have no doubt I have the best baby daddy to my little boy.

2.       The bump.  You hear a lot of women struggle with their growing belly because they feel, well just fat.  Initially it was a difficult place to find that acceptance.  Will people know I am pregnant or will they just think I have a beer gut?  But the more I saw this as a miracle and became grateful that a little life was growing inside me the more I embraced it.  No loose fitting clothes for this mama.  I sported the belly bump loud and proud.  It is honestly the most beautiful I have ever felt.  To future mamas – don’t hide that belly.  Show it off to the world.  It is one of the greatest miracles God gives to women.

3.       The mama community.  I wasn't sure it would ever be in the cards for me to be a mom.  I focused on my career and didn't settle down until later in life so I felt my biological clock was always ticking.  From the moment I announced my pregnancy, moms everywhere embraced me and started calling me mama.  I am so grateful for being surrounded by amazing and strong women who also are moms.  My 810 girlfriends, wonderful parents – mine and my husbands, Newcomers women’s group, my work besties and friends from all over have been there every step up the way.  They have shared the good, the bad and the ugly. I have gotten great advice and different perspectives.  They have prayed for me and with me.  These women got me through any rough patches, new mom jitters, anxiety and they've shared in my joy.  For these moms – and you know who you are – you made my pregnancy better and I will always love you for it!

4.       Facebook.  Oh yes I said Facebook.  Social media gets a bad rap.  And sometimes it probably should.  It’s a time sucker, can lead to life comparisons, be passive aggressive – y’all all know the downside.  But for me Facebook was a way to share my heart, my journey, my story with folks I care about but don’t get to see every day.  And I love that I get to share in their journey as well.  I admit that I need people.  I prefer to live my life out loud and share (okay even over share). Facebook allows me to embrace that part of myself.  My journey has been enriched by people all over the place and I never have to lose touch with those relationships thanks to social media.  So I take time to scroll through my Facebook friends photos, laugh at your Elf on the Shelf antics, love seeing your children dressed up for Halloween or their first day of school because it keeps me connected.  And I over posted, took one too many pregnancy selfies and embraced the prayers and support of so many Facebook friends during this exciting time. 

5.       His movements.  This I will definitely miss the most.  I admit to almost sadness that his kicks and flutters won’t wake me up at night or surprise me throughout the day.  It makes the miracle real.  It’s reassurance me that the trips to the bathroom all night, throwing up, lack of sleep, anxiety, etc. are all worth it.  I loved lifting my shirt and watching my entire belly bounce or ripple.  And drink a little orange juice and Lewis would throw a party in my tummy.  The best was when he would hear his daddy play because then the dancing would begin.  I know there are so many women who didn't get to experience this for one reason or another so I know how grateful and thankful I should be.  And I am more than any words on paper could even express.  This was the most beautiful part of my entire pregnancy.

6.       My faith.  This is an area I have really grown in.  I have always believed in and loved Jesus but I haven’t always been especially close to him in the last several years.  This year definitely changed that.  It was a year of good and bad stressors – finding out I was pregnant Mother’s Day weekend, Teddy’s cancer and liver surgery, Stacy’s new teaching job, a move to Huntsville which meant we were further from family, new OBGYN to guide me through pregnancy, my company sold 2/3rds of its facilities and close friends had to find new work, a broken promise, my best friend moved to Huntsville – it was a lot to process.  It was the most out of control I have ever felt in my life but it was also the best.  Because it is the first time, in a long time, that I just gave up and gave it to God.  I prayed more than I ever have and clung to Him to guide me.  And he showed up, not exactly how I would have done of it (of course not right) but he was there every.single.day.  The cool thing is God wanted Stacy and I right where we are – personally and professionally - to raise Lewis.  This year was preparing us for the greatest responsibility and journey of our lives.  God did this.  He made this happen.  And I can’t wait to tell Lewis all about God’s love and grace.

Lessons from the Iron Bowl

I couldn’t watch.  The anxiety and the tension were too much.  What would Saban decide to do?  Could we win it with this decision or would we fight it out in overtime?  I headed to the guest room and literally plugged my ears with my fingers.  Then I saw my mom’s face and knew the worst had happened ….........

Bama lost.  I began packing my things to head to my in-laws.  I was frustrated.  I was mad.  And I was disappointed.  I went back into the living room to see my family all in disbelief except my sister-in-law.  She is an Auburn fan.  She was in shock too and lucky for us she didn’t gloat or throw the win in our face. 

Stacy and I spent our ride over to the in-laws discussing the game and the ride back to Birmingham the next day talking about it.  We decided we were not going listen to the radio commentary or watch ESPN; we were going to move on and remain the loyal, devoted Bama fans we have always been.  And then I logged back on to Facebook.  I read post after post – some positive, a lot negative – and the frustration began to build all over again.

I didn’t want to spend my last evening at home in a bad mood.  I laced up my tennis shoes, put a leash on Teddy and headed out for a jog to clear my head.  I was sure there was a lesson in this frustration I had over the game.  I just had to find it.  And with each pound of the pavement, the lessons of the Iron Bowl came rushing to me.

1.      Be a gracious loser.  This is hard for me.  I was competing at Memory and Candyland as a child.  I do a victory dance when I win at Uno.  Being competitive is in my nature.  But nobody likes a sore loser.  It shows lack of character and I have to hold myself to a higher standard.  So I sucked it up and sent the text to my Auburn friends congratulating them.  I also gave my sister-in-law a hug and told her congratulations.  I sent out the congratulatory Facebook post to all the Auburn fans.  Was it easy?  Absolutely not.  It hurt.  But it was the right thing to do.  And how many times has our mama told us the right thing isn’t always the easiest.

2.      Own your decisions.  In the post-game interview, Saban admitted the Iron Bowl loss was on him and his team.  He praised the team and his coaches. And he shared the areas they didn’t come through. He didn’t make excuses or look to shift blame.  He took responsibility.  He held himself accountable.  He said he was proud of his team but “ultimately the responsibility is mine.” That is the true sign of a great leader. 

3.      Strive for excellence not perfection.  The Bama fans, me included, have been expecting perfection.  We always want a shut out or are disappointed when we don’t score at least 40 points or get angry when a kid on the field makes a mistake.  The reality is no one is perfect.  And the drive for perfection only leads to disappointment.  Alabama has won three National Championships in the last four years.  And those wins didn’t come by being perfect.  There were off games, losses, missed opportunities and bad play calling along the way.  It has been the dedication to excellence that has kept the University of Alabama football program on top.

4.      Support your team always.  I was so angry to hear of Bama fans sending death threats to our kicker, Foster.  That kid needed the loyalty and support from Bama fans more the night of the Iron Bowl then he ever has before.  We can get disappointed and frustrated in a player.  I sure do.  Just ask my family what happens with a sloppy tackle when I’m around.  But the truth is I don’t sweat at practice every day.  I don’t have to get banged up and bruised on Saturday.  These kids aren’t paid to play.  They play for the love of the game, to build a future and for their fans.   And we need to love them when they win and love them even more when they lose.  They depend on us for support and encouragement just like we depend on them for an entertaining game. 

5.      Embrace the memories.  You often hear “oh it’s just a game.”  But not to me.  It’s so much more.  It’s about the memories we make each year during the Iron Bowl – laughing with our family, everyone getting dressed up in their Bama gear (dog included), enjoying boiled peanuts to snack on, and my aunt doing her dance and cheer when Bama scores.  Strive to create new traditions with your friends and family that ensures it isn’t just a game.  Let the Iron Bowl be more than a game but rather an opportunity to share in memories that will last a lifetime.

So I’m taking my lessons (and some humble pie) and moving on from this year’s Iron Bowl.  I proudly sported my Big Al pillow, houndstooth bag and Bama t-shirt through the airport on the Monday after the game.  And I look forward to watching my Crimson Tide play in a bowl game.

Roll Tide Always!

Miracle on 38th Street

My car was loaded down with clothing and two trucks full of my furniture were following not far behind.  I was making another move - another big change for me.  This time from the corn fields of Illinois to Indianapolis, Indiana.  Excitement flowed through me as I marveled at the snow falling on my windshield.

I pulled into my new apartment complex and headed to the leasing office to pick up my key.  A friendly face was there to greet me at the door.  “Now Holly I need to caution you that there have been recent reports of break-ins,” Tarrie said.  She explained that the stories were not consistent and the authorities believed connections were involved.  Due to company policy, Tarrie was not able to give me much more information than that.  She assured me police lived on the property and would frequently patrol the area.  Tarrie also reminded me that my apartment was upstairs which was better for safety.

I thanked Tarrie for her honesty as worry began to settle in my mind.  When my friends arrived to help me with the boxes and furniture, I told them of the security scare.  They reminded me that I should always use caution and be aware of my surroundings. I agreed.  After all I have always been cautious and queen of locking doors.  I just didn’t want to feel nervous about the move when I had yet to step one foot into my new apartment.

I tried not to worry as we began the dreadful task of unloading box after box.  All the while though, the break-in story stayed fresh in my mind.  I did manage to get a good night’s sleep but awoke thinking about the break-ins.  There was lots of shopping to be done and I knew my worry would have to wait.    A good friend suggested traveling about one mile to 38^th Street for good food and shopping. I had a list and I was ready. I was not prepared for the miracle I would receive.

Every place I went people were so kind, so happy.  Starting with Red Lobster where the greeter looked sincerely happy to see me.  The waiter was attentive, fast and friendly.  Another waitress, with a big grin, gave me great directions to Pier One.  The Staple’s salesman was funny and kept saying witty things to get me to buy.  The woman at the check-out counter at Target thanked me for being patient while she learned how to work her register.  And the salesman at Office Depot – let’s just say I could not make a decision on office furniture and he did not seem to mind.  His patience was amazing.  Even the random man that approached me for money said please and thank you. 

After a day of shopping, I was no longer worried about my safety.  I was reminded that good people live everywhere.  I felt good about the change I was making.  I looked forward to the positive relationships I would build.  I became excited at the thought of making new friends.  My confidence in people was restored.  Worry no longer consumed my thoughts.  I was smiling inside and out.

On what could have been a stressful day of shopping and adjusting to change, I received my miracle just a mile down the road on 38^th Street.  

An Inspiration in Pink

She blew into the salon like a breath of fresh air.  Her smile was bright.  Her hair and make-up were flawless.  She wore tight fittin’ jeans that would turn men’s head.  High heel boots only made the spring in her step more visible.  And she was wearing the most gorgeous pink sweater.

Rose, my hair stylist, excused herself to hug her neck and take the load of pink sweaters from her arms.  They laughed and giggled about various things and off the lady in pink went.

When Rose came back I asked to see one of the pink sweaters that she was holding.  As soon as I felt the sweater, I knew I had to have one.  The material felt like a soft, warm robe that you would want to bundle up in every chance you got.

Rose explained she was selling more than just a pink sweater.  The proceeds from all the sweaters go to the Sharon L Bassett fund, a breast cancer foundation.  Rose had lost her own mother to breast cancer and I wasn’t surprised she was willing to support this special foundation.

What shocked me was the story behind the Sharon L Bassett fund.  The lady in pink, the one I thought was the breath of fresh air, had breast cancer.  She looked like she had life by the strings yet still was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. 

But Rose explained she was a survivor.  She had chosen to fight and make a difference with the discouraging hand life had dealt her.

The Sharon L Bassett fund helps provide transportation to breast cancer treatments for low-income women.  And Sharon herself was one of the women providing the transportation.  She was sharing her struggle and fight with women who were dealing with the same battle.  And she did this with a huge smile on her face that made you believe life was good.

I sat through the rest of my hair appointment thinking about Sharon and how her choice to make a difference has influenced and inspired so many.

Of course I left the salon with a soft, beautiful pink sweater.  But I also left with the reminder that one person can make a difference.  And every time I see that pink sweater in my closet or wear it, it humbles me that I am blessed with so much and it reminds me to find ways to help other people.

I challenge you to find ways to help others regardless of your situation. 

 The opportunities to give are unlimited:

·         A warm embrace

·         A prayer

·         A listening ear

·         A donation to a local charity

·         A hand-written note

·         Your time

·         Volunteering at your local shelter

And I hope you receive your own pink sweater, a special something to remind you that you can indeed make a difference!